Sophisticated monsters

I was looking for a clean pair of jeans to wear at the office when I found the first one in my closet. It seemed to know better what I should have put on that day and pointed out my poor choices in fashion within seconds. “Too laid back”, “too pushy”, “too mom-jeans’, “too neutral”. Can you believe that, there’s a “too neutral” and I happen to own it, I told to myself half ashamed and half smug. But it was obviously not a joke and I realized that when leaving my house became impossible without his approval. Going out is strictly forbidden if the Closet Monster is not pleased with my outfit. However, what I like about this monster is that he is very specific. “DON’T MIX RED AND PINK UNLESS THE LABEL IS GUCCI, GOT IT?! Put on some fake decent clothes, like Eva Green does in her catholic schoolgirl movies, get a tan before you start wearing light blue.” And so on.

I got the second “I can see you” after an unsuccessful post on Instagram. With the “not likable enough” tag came a bizarre feeling of failure. That was the Millennial Monster, a very capricious one, who doesn’t work on a schedule but who’s constantly leaving mean messages on my conscience’s inbox (I kinda reached my storage limit, but he upgraded it just to make me miserable). Unlike the Closet Monster, the Millennial Monster is definition of chill. “No pressure” she whispers every time I’m about to update a status on a social media platform. He expects only meaningful content from me, I can tell; and that’s nice, but the “no pressure” part is bullshit. Once I push the button, the intellectual Kraken is released: all the brilliant alternatives come to my mind and the monster gives me that diminishing look that makes me want to hug the delete button. Oh, and my brain is something like “I could have helped you a second ago, but I just didn’t feel like it”.

The last one is absolutely my favorite. He’s demanding, mercurial and condescending, the kind that it is known to open only two doors. One leads to absolution and the other to insanity and no one but him knows which is which. The Here-and-Now Monster. I was living my golden dream of future when it hit me: the present is the only thing that matters, “here and now” is the only thing you can touch, enjoy and hold on to. That first speech he gave me felt heavy on every molecule of mine, but he was just getting started. “You will never be as young as you are now”, “the glory is up for grabs and your hands are loose”, “you should have more fun, genuine fun, capital FUN”. Didn’t I tell you he’s a piece of work? Dangerous and dramatic, just how I like ‘em.

These are my sophisticated, frivolous monsters and I know you have yours. Be careful what you feed them.